Don’t Be That Golfer – Super Slow Player
“Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!” – Yogurt played by Mel Brooks, Spaceballs
Don’t Be That Golfer – Super Slow Player
Slow play is the bane of the golfer, the golf course, and the golf industry in general. Why? Well…because it turns people off from playing golf. Lost play means lost money and then no one is happy. ESPECIALLY my foursome who is stuck behind the foursome who all think they are playing this round for a $1 million dollar purse!
FOR REAL PEOPLE! Move it along! I’d like to eat one of my meals at home today instead of ALL THREE at the course!
What could they possibly be talking about on the green?
OMG! Did they just all start lighting cigars?
Is he walking back to the cart to get a different club?
Did he just change shirts before lining up his putt?
I think that other guy just changed shoes. No. Seriously, I think he did.
So many things have been done from the course manager all the way up to the PGA itself to try and address slow play.
Now let’s be clear about what slow play really means. The average golfer in a foursome should be able to complete eighteen holes in less than 4 hours. The stats show 3:45 to be exact. So, if your foursome averages 4:15, that’s ok. HECK! I’d even venture to say that 4:45 is decent, not ideal, but decent.
When you’re hitting 5 hours + out there for 18 holes, something needs to be done about you.
I was in a foursome at the back of on outing and we were tipping over 6 HOURS when we finally got to the 17th HOLE! I’m not kidding – it was brutal. I spent more time in the cart and the restroom than I actually did playing golf. By Hole 14 I gave up. I was so mentally drained and crabby, the chances of me actually hitting a decent shot off the tee were null. (Interestingly, the chances of me causing physical harm to myself or others increased dramatically at this point as well. This is ultimately why I decided to basically end my play.) Lucky for me it was a family/friends function and my husband was on my team, so it wasn’t a total loss.
At the 18th hole I literally took the cart right up to the clubhouse, never even teeing off for the final hole.
In recent surveys done, no one admits to being a slow player. OF COURSE NOT! Who wants that stigma? BUT, everyone admits to being negatively impacted by slow play.
What are golfers to do?
Well, I say that we do two things:
1) Really look in the mirror and see if you are a slow player.
- Do you do yoga poses on the green to line up your putt?
- Do you refuse to bring a couple of options out to the green with you just in case?
- Do you spend more than 2 minutes at the tee box testing wind conditions with grass?
- Do you spend more than 5 minutes at the tee box over all?
- Do you change clothes at some point in your game?
If you answered YES to more than one of the above questions – YOU ARE A SLOW PLAYER! When no one is behind you, knock yourself out. Vinyasa yourself all the way from your cart to your ball as far as I care! Pretend you are Cher and have a new outfit for every hole!
However, if there are other folks waiting for you – KNOCK IT OFF! Get your club, take a looksee, set your feet and swing!
2) People stuck behind slower players get to haggle and jeer at the group in front of them.
- Buy Red Bulls for the group and ask the beer cart girl to deliver them. CLEARLY these people need some sort of energy to get going, they are obviously dragging big time.
- Depending on how slow and ridiculous the maneuvers are of these slow players, I would even venture to start aiming some drives at them. Yes – you read it right. If a well hit golf ball coming at them doesn’t get some adrenaline pumping through their veins, then all hope is lost. Maybe they are Zombie Golfers and need to be reminded of pace of play.
- Heckling is totally allowed. Saying things loud like “Waiting for Enron to return?” or “The Superintendent wants his grass back!” or “I am looking forward to attending my birthday party in 8 months – could you please pick up your pace!” Completely allowable.
If you ever receive a free Red Bull on the course – you’ll now know where it came from.